Oh Shart

Today was not anything out of the ordinary, but today just was. I was reminded this morning that it was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss day, which is indeed a special day of remembrance. But really it was an ordinary day for me with school volunteering, a SAMs club stock up, Trader Joes run, school pick up, etc. Like any normal and busy day I think often of the little one we lost a few months ago. The void is still there. My womb still aches with the feeling of loss and sadness. The tears were unusually accessible today, right behind the eye balls. But as I pushed back discussing my feelings today, or letting myself cry, the day got heavier and much less ordinary than most. This evening as my hubby and I kissed briefly as he left for the evening for practice at church, the dreadful school night routine set in. 

First dinner, that two thirds of my children didn't eat. My mood felt a bit heavier. Then bath time, they use conditioner instead of shampoo, and water is everywhere, ugh.  It's officially time to graduate from the tub to exclusively showers. And after brushed tangles and pajamas, I send them in the other room to read and finish a math game. Oh how I loath homework math games. I hate homework, I hate math, I hate games. Torturous combo for me. But upon tossing the dinner dishes in the sink I can hear giggles from the other room. The loud and sort of naughty giggles, you know the kind. I yell down the hall an inquiry to the noise, with a quick response,  "(Blank) is farting so much and it's so funny!" Yes, I have girls who fart, a lot. And think it's hilarious. One in particular was gassy and taking the stage as master tooter for the evening.  But when I go and check in on the reading, and stupid math game...and fartiing... I have discovered this superstar farter has sharted in her pants in the middle of her performance. Awesome. Yes, this really happened. *Disclaimer for my friends without kids, kids are gross. They poop themselves trying to fart, they lick playgrounds, eat their boogers, and just plain smell! Guys, it was not funny at the time and just about sent me over the edge. After finishing homework with what felt like a pace of knee deep mud walking, I notice bedtime has come and gone. Another 10 minutes spent on teeth and actually laying their bodies still, in a bed, I keep peeking on the clock. 40 minutes past bedtime. Oh motherhood is draining. 

October 15th ended with prayers, and the normal stalling of sleep. But the normal stalling somehow led to the discussion of their lost baby sibling. They asked how big the baby would be now, and how sad it still makes them. We don't discuss it enough. First of all because we just get so busy, but also its just hard. I hate seeing their sadness that still lingers, but it's getting better with time.  I feel uncomfortable with answering all of the "why" questions, when I myself struggle to comprehend it all. But it was wonderful. They knew I wanted and needed to talk about it tonight, even if I didn't. More importantly, Jesus knew I needed to talk about baby tonight. Thank you, Jesus, for your faithfulness at the end of the day. You show up in the small things, in all things. Thanks for showing You really do care, and You really want to listen. Thanks for using my girls to do that today, even if they shart. See? He can even use the most unclean and unworthy of us! My smelly children are a prime example of that. 

 

On a very serious and amazing note...

My husbands cousin is doing an amazing thing, check it out: http://www.youaremissingfromme.org