My Grown Up Christmas List

This is a heavy post. I know that Christmas is supposed to be a light hearted, fun and cheery time. For me it is, thankfully. I am so very blessed to not have any major sadness in my life. Although the negative balance in my bank account for the last 2 days seemed tragic for a moment...its so not. I have a healthy and happy family that I am very, VERY thankful for this year! My neighbor informed me last week that she has no one to celebrate Christmas with. She is feeling so very lonely with her kids and grand kids who are all living out of state. My sorority sister is missing her mother who died of cancer years ago, but misses her like crazy. My sister knows someone who has a husband dying of cancer. He has a 2 year old daughter.

This time of year can be the most wonderful time of the year for some, and for others the worst. Those of us so blessed and comfortable in life, we can so easily forget how blessed we really are.

I can remember as a child my mom would put on Christmas music from Thanksgiving to Christmas. I now do the same, by the way! But one song in particular brings a flood of memories. And not good ones. My parents went through some tough times and separations when I was younger. My mom used to play Amy Grant's Christmas album and when the song  Grown Up Christmas List  would come on she would talk about hers. One year I think she even wrote out a grown up list. The pain she was feeling was so apparent, and clearly the holidays was salt on her wound. The unhappiness she felt was amplified by Christmas.  Here is a version I can listen to Grown Up Christmas List -Michael Buble. The Amy Grant version brings up too many memories for me.

In my life the hurt, loneliness, and pain is drowned out by the birth of Christ.The  Love, Grace, and Mercy Jesus gives me drowns all of this heavy stuff out. I feel the need to apologize if at anytime a Christian has treated you with judgement, hate, or hostility. It may have been me. It may have been someone you loved dearly. But that is not Jesus.  He heals all, Loves all, Forgives all.

Merry Christmas, may it be full of JESUS!

Warranty

My children have a little portable DVD player that we got as a gift from a friend for Bella when she was 2. When the twins were born I would often put on a movie for her while I was breast feeding, or we would use it in the car for long trips to visit family in Greeley. I have since replaced this 3 times. The first time the screen went out, the second time for the eject button malfunctioning. Now our third again has a faulty screen. Granted this DVD player is lower end (rhymes with Shmilps), and it is often operated by little 4 year old fingers,but this thing just keeps going out! I went to exchange yet another one (to a place that rhymes with Shmall-Shmart) and they said that it was past the return date. I began to explain that I have had this problem twice before and have been given a replacement with no problems before. Apparently, they now have a database that will pull up your purchase date and only a 60 day period is for returns or exchanges. This is a great system...for criminals and people taking advantage of the system! But my latest replacement was mid summer. I do not think this is how long a DVD player should last, eh? Am I wrong? So after she told me she couldn't return it, she asked if I had bought a warranty. I had not bought one so she sent me on my way.

war·ran·ty

A written guarantee, issued to the purchaser of an article by its manufacturer, promising to repair or replace it if necessary within a... (in contract law) A promise that something in furtherance of the contract is guaranteed by one of the contractors, esp. the seller's...

Warranty's are so dumb! Here, let me charge you an extra $20 to insure my product does what it is suppose to. Yea, that makes a lot of sense. What happened to just guaranteeing your product will work like it supposed to regardless of a warranty. I mean if you want to get all extreme, I understand that a big purchase like a car can only be guaranteed to work for a certain amount of time. Great, but a $60 DVD player, REALLY?  It just seems silly to me.

I, of course, began to parallel this to life. People now have to buy warranty's on marriage (pre-nups) to ensure the marriage to even ensure it ends that way its supposed to! When we get married (in other words, make the purchase) don't we already guarantee love and faithfulness? When we become Christians, don't we already guarantee love and forgiveness to others? I have been shown otherwise this year. I am not perfect and I mess up everyday. But it seems that people have forgotten what they promised upon the sale.

I refuse to pay extra for a product that should function as its supposed to anyway. Just like I refuse to accept that people are supposed to act as they wish no matter the cost it has on their relationships. Family is family regardless if you were married into it, or born into it. Defend the weak, help the poor. All things I don't need to buy a warranty for. I just need to do it, and work properly. I hope you do the same.

Thankful Tree

I have a tendency to be negative. I always look at the glass half empty, and usually lose a lot of sleep stressing about things. I also find myself always looking at what we don't have.  We don't have a house, we don't have a garage, we don't have really nice clothes, we don't have a nice camera, so on and so on. Its sad the list I could make! But I and not all bad, all the time! I do have my moments of pure gratitude with Jesus. The other day I was putting away free food we got from a friend. Thanking God for free ground beef! But overall I have to admit I am always looking at the downside, when in reality, I am so so so so very blessed. I have healthy happy children...well most of the time! We currently have been overrun by boogers and coughs! We always have a full pantry, a warm home, and many many other luxuries that most of the world does not have. In fact my husband who is a native of Argentina likes to point out how very blessed we are! He laughs at how many toys our girls have! He is a very good check and balance for me when I fall into the typical American material mindset!

So I am making a Thankful Tree! An idea I found on Pinterest. Thank you Nichole for yet another time wasting activity! :) I am listing as many things as I can to put on my tree! Although I can have a bad case of "stinkin thinkin", in my heart of hearts I am so very thankful for what God has given me and my family. Here is my tree! The girls had fun helping me too.

Some things Bella wrote she was thankful for: Her pillow, Monkey Bizness

(a playplace), and drums :)

Some things I was thankful for:

Mormor, my husband, my girls, the dishwasher, my washer and dryer, my Ktichen Aid, and my bed!

Col 3:15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful

Emotional Hoarding

Hoard:

1: to lay up a hoard of

2: to keep (as one's thoughts) to oneself

I have recently discovered my child is a hoarder. No, she is not not stock piling old clothes, crafts, or even chickens. Rather, I found a pile of toys on her top bunk, and under her sisters bed. My older sister was here the other day and was trying to give Isabella a pep talk about sharing with her sisters (she was crying about having to share her Barbies), and explaining how a certain little sister used to take her toys! Us little sisters are such a pain :) Anyway, I have noticed her hiding toys in her bed, but yesterday the pile was out of control. I found two Barbie dolls, three Polly pockets, Buzz, Woody, two Jessie's, Dora, Boots, Rapunzel, among a bunch of other random small trinkets. Its funny how random crap is a treasure for her. Plus, I found old broken leaves and rocks in her "jooly" box (jewelry box). She calls them her special things. I started to think about why she would keep these things. But its simple, to her these have meaning. To me they are trash.

Have you seen the people on TLC living in mounds of stuff? I know they are crazy, I know they have serious issues. It makes me so sad, I cant watch. Usually at one time or another they lost everything (most of the time a loved one died), so now they hold on to EVERYTHING. Literally every wrapper has meaning. Although I don't hoard things, well I may hold on to things I shouldn't!  I am not a hoarder with material objects, but I think there are times I can hoard my feelings. Because of past hurts from relationships I often push a feeling or emotion back. With the intention of sharing the emotion later with my husband. I don't always do it intentionally. I usually have intentions of going back and opening up.

  For my daughter, a pretty leaf is her own perfect little treasure that she can tuck away for a later time. What she doesn't realize is that the leaf dies, falls apart and is even more meaningless than before. Much like our hidden emotions it rots, falls apart, and dies. Therein the same problem or issue still exists, and is not resolved. I am an out spoken person, but often emotionally hoard to avoid conflict in my marriage. So I am making a point to tell my husband when something bothers me, or hurts me.

Dazed and Confused

So its been a while, I know. My mother keeps telling me, "oh that's funny, you should go blog!" But I haven't been in the mood for some reason. Or up to par. For the last 2 weeks I have been suffering from dizzy spells, extreme exhaustion, headaches, and a hard time breathing. I went online to one of those medical sites. According to my symptoms I could of had, Vertigo, Diabetes, Anemia, among a list of other diagnosis. Well after 2 weeks I finally went to get checked. Turns out I have an upper respiratory infection. The sinus cavities above my eyes are filling with gunk. Awesome. My brain is infected. It explains a lot really. It explains why when I would bend over to pick up toys i felt like someone kicked me in the head. Or why I would wake up feeling like I slept with a vice on my head. I just feel so dooped! I mean, I had no boogers, no runny nose, no other "cold" symptoms. I honestly at one point thought I was pregnant. Yikes. No, no I am not!

After taking meds for the last few days I feel as though I have been lifted from the fog. I can function as a normal person again. I honestly felt so dazed and confused.

This month we were able to go on a vacation to Las Vegas, for free. Because my husband kicks butt at his job. And we were also able to go to Steamboat Springs for a week with our favorite family and organization (1 Liquid House).  It was breathtaking. 

Hopefully I am back into the groove and blogging again. Here are a few pics of my lovelies, that just make me smile, courtesy of Nichelle Tesone :)

Four Years of Labor

Today is my oldest daughter's birthday! My Isabella is 4 today and I am so happy and sad all at the same time! Today I also find myself in labor...so to speak. As a first time mom four years ago I think that I underestimated the things that motherhood would bring to my life. For example today I am laboring, or struggling with what to do about Bella and her school. Well, more like her teacher. From the first "meet the teacher" night I have not had a great feeling about her. For a preschool teacher she is cold, and very regimented. At first, Bella had a very hard time in the morning when it was time to go to school. She would cry and not want to go. I wrote it off as a transition period, but it doesn't seem to be getting much better. After talking with the head of the school, she reassured me that things would get better with time, and that Bella's teacher was very good academically. Now after having a "goal setting" conference with her teacher, it seems Bella is not where she should be with her alphabet and numbers. Yikes. I did not realize how cut throat this who school thing was.

Anyway I could go on....but my point is that with children the labor never ends. I will be laboring the rest of my life for my sweet girls, and gladly too. I will fight and labor for my kids not matter what. They are worth all the pain in the world!

Guess who else feels that way about His children!? You got it, your Father in heaven does. Its just amazing to me, His love and grace for me is even greater than what I feel for my kids!

Thank you God for enduring all the pain and suffering of the world, because you love us! 1 Cor. 15:58

"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

I will just leave you with a few photos that pull on my heart strings today!

Happy Birthday Isabella Brooke!!!

Long time, no blog

Hello! I'mmm baaaack! SO its almost fall and I haven't not really kept up with the blog much. Mostly due to the new biz, and then my fully potty trained clan! Extra time has been spent at the pool! So sad its closed :( I have also been dealing with transition of Bella going to preschool! It's been hard for both of us, and I am still praying about if I should just be doing that stuff with her at home. I just honestly don't know if I have the time for it...but we will see. She loves school after, but going to school is the problem, its hard to leave her! We just love being together :)


Also, I have not been blogging much because I have felt somewhat uninspired. I usually have blog posts pop into my head throughout the day, but I just haven't lately. So I am trying to listen to God a little more, slow down and feel inspired! 

xo,

Your Love

I havent blogged in so long! Its been busy, and stressful. But its the small moments with God that have gotten me through. Wanted to share these lyrics...

I felt it first when I was younger
A strange connection to the light
I tried to satisfy the hunger
I never got it right
I never got it right

So I climbed a mountain and l built an altar
Looked out as far as I could see
And everyday I’m getting older
I’m running outta dreams
I’m running outta dreams

But Your love
Your love
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

You know the effort I have given
And you know exactly what it cost
And though my innocence was taken
Not everything is lost
Not everything is lost nooooo

But Your love
Your love
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

You’re the hope in the morning
You’re the light when the night is falling
You’re the song when my heart is singing
it’s Your love
You’re the eyes to the blind man
You’re the feet to the lame man walking
You’re the sound of the people singing
It’s Your love

But Your love
Your love
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

But Your love
(Your love is all that I needed)
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
(Your love is all that I needed)
It’s Your love
Your love
It’s all I ever needed   

Brandon Heath, Your Love

A Mother's Love

I just came off a crazy busy week, the twins turned 2, numerous cake orders, birthday party (my BBFF's birthday party and the twins) Plus Pablo worked Sunday. Its always hard when he has to put in an extra day on the weekend. But it pays off later, literally :)

We started potty training Lili and Gabi yesterday. It's the end of day #2 and I feel like they still don't get it! By this time with Bella she was sitting down and doing it all by herself! If I could pay someone to potty train the twins...I would, but whatever I would pay wouldn't be enough! Its been a hard couple days. I am giving it one more day and then re-evaluating! (Maybe just one at a time, a different method, etc.)

But all of this training got me thinking. How much does a mother love her child? There are all those cute little poems that say things like "a mothers love is unconditional" or "mothers are there to wipe your tears, and help you learn right from wrong". All of these things true, I cant help but to be more practical. I have said it before that all of the mushy mom devotionals are just blah to me. Same with those mother poems and sappy Hallmark cards. "Thanks for always being there mom, blah blah blah". Where is the card that says, "thanks for cleaning up my crap and teaching me to use the toilet mom!" Haha! But really, think about it...a mothers love is so much more than just being there through all of the hard times and teaching us our manners. Mothers love us SO much they will literally wipe our butts and clean up our poo! Here are some things I was thinking before writing this. I drew from women's lives around me who are loving their kids in such passionate and real ways that no poem or card could ever capture...I hope you can relate to one of these...they are all real, they are written about you!

A mother loves her child so much that she will continue to get pregnant and miscarry numerous times and endure the heart break over and over just to have a successful pregnancy.

A mother loves so much she will scrub poop off of the patio on her hands and knees while she potty trains! (yep, that was me today!)

A mother loves her baby so much that she will loose sleep and become delirious from sleep deprivation just to continue night feedings and comfort midnight teething screams.

A mother loves her step kids so much that she will take them as her own and love and care for them because their real mother no longer wants them.

A mother loves her kids so much she will scrub other peoples toilets just to pay the bills and put food on the table.

A mother loves her children so much she will give up buying herself a new bra and underwear just to be able to buy them clothes and shoes.

A mother loves so much she will stay up late washing dishes, doing laundry and cleaning house while her children sleep just so that she will have time to play with her kids the next day.

A mother loves her kids so much she is will clean up vomit just so her baby is clean.

A mother will fight for her daughters life, even if that daughter is a murderer.

Mothers, you are amazing! Now, of course I have to bring it all back to God now :) God loves us with that same passion you love your kids. He is just as devoted to us, just as in love, but even more. Take the time to soak some of that love and attention up. As moms we often feel under appreciated and very alone. Especially when our husbands get to go to work! But I would not trade places, not for a minute! Even at my worst, even at my most tired, I am so thankful that I have my 3 little loves.

Thank you God for this role, as hard as it may be, thank you for letting me love and care for my kids.

Injustice

Injustice drives me crazy. If someone takes my parking spot, I feel like "How unfair? How can people get away with being so rude"? More serious injustices like someone treating my family wrong also hurt my heart. Or people taking the side of an ex boyfriend that hit me and abused me. How can people NOT see what is so clear to me??? These people need to be brought to some sort of justice, right? This is something I have long struggled with, and still do at times.

As I watch the news and hear of the not guilty verdict for Casey Anthony, how can you not be all worked up? How can you not be steaming mad that what seems to be a HUGE injustice for this small child. No one is serving life in a jail cell for this baby's death, no one will be put to death, no one will be labeled the killer of Caylee. It stinks, it sickens me. BUT I have to let this and the injustices served to so many go, and give it to God. The Bible is clear that one day we will all be standing before God and answering to Him. Although I do think Casey should be serving for the murder of her child, I have to know that its not my place to judge her. I will never know what happened with all of that. But God knows. When God meets Casey one day justice will be served. Not today, not tomorrow, but some day. Just like all of my sins will be judges as well.

Bottom line, we will have to answer to God for our actions. So whether or not I think that justice is served in my life I hold out hope that my Daddy has my back, He will fight for me, and give the justice that I cannot. We feel so helpless. But with faith in God there is always justice.

"Now let the fear of the LORD be upon you. Judge carefully, for with the LORD our God there is no injustice..." 2Ch 19:7 Peace my friends,

It's in Storage

Have you ever had to put all of your belongings in storage? I have. It is awful. I have had to twice while living with family. My sister just did, my parents have, and my sister in law has her stuff in one right now. I admire all the missionaries that sell everything and go to foreign countries with nothing. It was hard for me to have my things in a box, unable for me to enjoy. It taught me a lot. It taught me the simple life, a life with less things. I can live without it all, I don't like to but I can! But even harder for me lately is that I feel as though I am putting a lot more in storage than my things. I have dreams for me and my family that I push out of my mind and put into "storage". Because the thoughts and dreams have not completely left my mind, I don't toss them out completely, but rather just put in the big orange storage compartment of my brain.

I think that I am very blessed woman, with a loving husband and 3 healthy girls. But I have these times of asking God why is the day to day stuff so difficult? It feels like I am in the deep end, with my head just above the water, not submerged, but almost. If I were to get hit with any little wave I would inhale some water.

So until I can get all of my hopes and dreams out of storage, (btw that's where I keep my pre-baby body as well, in storage :) I will just lock it all up and keep on swimming!

Moving furniture

My mom used to always rearrange our rooms, the living room, her room, you name it. She is good with spaces. I used to wonder why she would move things. I get it now, well at least for me it makes a room look new, fresh, and different. Plus it changes a traffic pattern so the stains on the carpet can be covered! :) I feel like I need to move some furniture around but then I realize that the room is still the same room no matter how you move things around!
Two nights ago I got a call for a last minute cake order. Yay! I plugged in my Kitchen Aid and baked. It was late evening and the babies (I cant use this phrase much longer) we already in bed. There was a lightening storm rolling in and my eldest babe sat on the covered back patio with her stuffed elephant and milk and watched the storm. She is my daughter for sure. A rain lover, just like her mommy and her Mormor.  She asked Pablo why the thunder was so loud, to which he told her God was moving His furniture around. She said "Oh, He is getting our new house ready, I prayed for one last night with mommy!".
THREE nights ago we were also sitting on the back patio when Bella asked if we could get a new house that had an upstairs. I told her I would love to get one but at this point only Jesus could give us one! So she prayed and asked God for a house with an upstairs, and a backyard. Oh my heart! She then looked at me and said, "I prayed to God who lives in the sky, and on the moon...." I smiled at her wisdom but then she said "...on the moon, with Santa Claus and all the presents." Doh! Well almost little one, but not quite! I think I need to re-teach her a few things! haha.

SO, I write this in hopes that God is preparing me a very special place in heaven. If I don't ever have my own house here on earth, I hope I have a huge one in heaven!!! In the meantime, Bella and I will keep asking for one here on the earth!

Praying God fulfills the desires of your heart!


Psalm 20:4
May He grant your heart’s desires and make all your plans succeed.

Cutting the grass with Scissors

I cleaned my house today, it had been a while! A thorough scrubbing and washing of linens towels, rugs, toilets, mirrors you name it.  But when it came time to vacuum I remembered that my dirt devil is not working! I sucked up a toy hot dog the other day while vacuuming Bellas room. SO I proceeded to use my dust buster to vacuum the living room! I must have looked like a crazy person! I kind of felt like one. I just used it on the main traffic areas, but still, a little nuts. I began to think of how this reminded me of cutting grass with a pair of scissors! I felt like I was making little to no progress with my vacuuming, much like cutting one blade of grass at a time.

Oh man, this applies to so many things in my life. Like I have this huge yard that needs trimming but as soon as I start to make progress I look up and see this big field of grass that still needs to be done. I feel this way in finances, cleaning, parenting, weight loss, my prayer life...I could go on. 

I am a worrier, as I have said before. My husband is not. He talked to me today to encourage me. He sees when my attitude changes. I begin to be preoccupied and cranky as the weight of life issues bare down on my shoulders. He heard a quote from Graham Cooke today that says "Your actions are an echo of your beliefs". Wow, if this is true I show little belief in God that He will take care of me and all my issues. My actions are a reflection of how my heart feels. I really need to put my anxiety into check because I say that I trust God but so often I am anxious.

In the meantime I need to continue cutting (or vacuuming :) what I can, work on the small picture while God can choose to come through with is big sit down mower anytime! I must remember that God can take care of all things that just seem impossible to me.

Matthew 19:26
Jesus looked at them and said, with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

Rejected!

I miss blogging! Today while the girls were in playgroup I chose to catch up on some laundry that have been clean in baskets waiting to be out away, the girls had been laying in the baskets playing sleeping babies the night before...so some refolding was needed as well! I give you full time working moms LOTS of credit for balancing all that you do! I find the extra hours I have been baking has been taking a toll on my house work!
This new business venture of mine has also been teaching me to form a thicker skin! I think it is fair to say that NO ONE likes to be rejected, eh? I have been so very blessed with at least 2 baking jobs a week, but I get a couple inquiries a week that I get turned down. Mainly because of my prices. I do however try to stay lower than local bakeries doing the same kinds of cakes. (I just cant beat a Wal-Mart price!) It's just so hard to take a NO sometimes! Not feeling good enough for someone can sure make you feel awful. I am so thankful that I have a wonderful family that doesn't reject me, and LOVES me regardless. More importantly I am thankful for my God who doesn't love me depending on my performance.

I hope this finds you all knowing how accepted you truly are by the King!

Off to design a laptop grooms cake! Yay for my Caroline! Excited! :)

My 3 Cupcakes

It's been a while since my last post! This month of May has brought so many new and exciting things, as well as some difficult stuff too! I have recently launched a new business! It is called My 3 Cupcakes! After being told I need to sell my baking for years, I have finally done it. Or I should say, God has finally put this all into place! I really did not even try. I had someone approach me with a need for a cake and some money, and then another... and then boom! I now have at least 6 "gigs" for June! It is all a bit mind boggling to me. Weather or not this fizzles out or stays strong and grows, either way it has been so fun and ego boosting!  It has also brought on many long nights of dreaming about about cakes, and orders and money....blah, the money part if it is my least fav.  Hopefully, HOPEFULLY, one day someone can deal with the money part of it! The anxiety is getting better but I can still feel it creep up on me from time to time! As my friend Hayley said, you are just getting your feet wet! I hope the wetter my feet, the less anxiety I feel about my cake orders!

Here is my business card!!! :)

Yes, I am a sinner!

Today Bella was trying to hide something in her pocket from me, and I said "you little stinker!" She looked at me and said, "Yes! I am a stinker!" Well, at least she was admitting it right?

I will be the first to admit I am not perfect. Far, far from it! Someone told me last week that I was acting like I was a "perfect Christian". I am pretty sure this was meant to be a slam. I am nothing, me, my flesh, my mind, are imperfect. I will admit to this happily. I sin everyday, I fail to live up to being a perfect follower of Jesus daily. These are not things I am proud of, but lets face it we are all lacking. But because of my Jesus I can strive to be something better! 
Romans 2:23 "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"


Living by God's GRACE and MERCY daily,

Made these last week for a dinner with my in laws, oh how baking makes my heart happy :)

HOPE

Hope 1: to cherish a desire with anticipation 2: to desire with expectation of obtainment 3: to expect with confidence

I have always loved the verse 1 Cor 13:7, I used it on my wedding invitations. I had "faith hope and love" on my wedding cake, I have it all through out my home in various places. I have always found it easy to embrace faith and love, not fully understanding hope. Or experiencing it.  Recently I have discovered hope. There is all kinds of destruction going on around me, all different struggles, I have said this in previous posts. People, who know better, making awful hurtful decisions. I have been having a hard time as well. You see, we are really struggling this month financially. It's hard to admit, especially on a public blog. But I really feel like God wants me to share this and my hope with you. My husband is a great provider. He works extra days just for an extra buck. If you know him at all, you would agree his work ethic is like no other. I have had some random "gigs" lately too, but things are rough.

We have a friend who is a pastor in Greeley, and he tells this story about when he and his wife were first married they got their car repossessed. All he could do was laugh. Things were so bad that he just laughed. I have gotten to that point. I hung up our notice of disconnect from Xcel on the fridge as if it were one of Bella's projects. Our first notice ever! Have you ever had less than a dollar in your bank account? Talk about trust and hope.

We have food in our pantry, a roof over our head and clothes. The girls are (thankfully) clothed by others who love to buy them things. I usually would be stressed to the max, sleepless, and crying. Well ok, I did all that last week. But this week I have a new hope. An anticipation that all things will work out for good. I know God has a plan for all of those people that I am concerned about. I know He will take care of me also.

I am excited for things to come, I am ready for tomorrow.

Romans 12:12 "Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying."

Happy Birthday Mom! I got to bake a lot this week=happy me.

 

The Puzzle

Lately Isabella has been really into puzzles. She has a small stack of wood ones, cardboard ones, and she even plays virtual ones on computers and iphones. Whatever she can get her hands on! We occasionally lose pieces (mostly because of the little sister's). This drives Bella bonkers. She cannot stand when there are missing pieces, she asks me to go to the store to see if they have the lost pieces. :)

I too hate a missing piece. In a puzzle, or in life. I feel as though there are so many missing pieces in my life. I have my amazing husband and kids and Jesus Christ as my Savior, but I feel as though there are more pieces that need to be filled in. I heard an analogy once relating life to a painting. There are different layers and colors that have to be painted, which initially looks like a mess, but when finished a beautiful painting is revealed.

Perhaps my puzzle will never be finished in this lifetime. Or God may have the missing pieces in His hand waiting to reveal it at the perfect time (something I used to do as a child so that I could be the last to finish the puzzle, oooh  ah hahaha < evil laugh).  Although Gods reasoning behind withholding some  pieces is probably much different than mine!

In the meantime, I wait for the next piece to fall in place. The next step to having God's full plan in place for my life. Yet, why is it so hard to wait and trust? Like I said, I do hate an unfinished puzzle!

Psalm 143:7 "I'll go to sleep each night trusting in you." (The Message)

I love you God, sorry my mind doubts... my heart knows you have it all under control!

Lili, Bella, and Gabi

We did some Easter baking at my moms today! Butterscotch birds nests, sugar cookies, and rice crispy treats!  Notice the new little spatuala's from Mormor?

Getting Through Today

Some days are easier than others. Today is not an easy one. In fact this past week has been pretty difficult.  After helping my husband get through the stomach flu Friday and Saturday, I then got it Sunday along with my Lili. Now here I am Wednesday, still suffering from a raw stomach, cleaning up sheets, floors, bathrooms and clothes from all kinds of bodily fluids that seem to not want to go away. Lets just leave it at that. My point for sharing this awful morning I have had so far is because no one ever tells you that this is going to happen as a mom. Yes, you see your own mother go through it, but nothing ever prepares you for these kinds of days.

 I have this sweet little daily devotional book for moms. It usually starts with a short little lesson about some kind of characteristic a mother has, followed by a Bible verse. Sweet? Yes. Cute? Yep. Uplifting? Perhaps. Practical? Not for me. I need a devotional that has daily advice like, "Today you will be cleaning up poop and vomit, hang in there, Jesus loves you!". Or maybe, "You may want to run away from your life today, please don't, it will get better soon!". Maybe my life is an exeption, maybe things are just that much harder in the Aguirre house!  Even the most normal days at home with my girls have enough struggles to make being a mom so difficult. I have so much on my mind, from finances to family stuff. How do I just focus on today? We are supposed to be leaving town Friday! Go away stomach flu!

I keep having to postpone plans, move play dates, cancel activities...our social life will just have to wait I suppose! In the mean time I will just try to get through today. To my fellow mommies, if you are in need of a daily devotional about poop, I am your girl! 

Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

P.S. I havent baked in so long...*sigh*       

A Free Will Death Dive

As I mentioned in my last blog post, I have the most precious little nephew in the NICU getting stronger everyday! He is doing so well. He kicked his jaundice, and is making more progress daily. Yet the one thing keeping him in the hospital are his death dives. His daddy (my brother in law) has coined these episodes that name! Most preemies have this problem, they forget to breathe! They just dont know how yet. Sounds silly, but they are supposed to be in the womb with mama doing all the breathing for them. Although mighty Max is getting few of these death dives, and learning how to recover on his own, the nurse usually has to rub him and wake him up a bit to get him to start breathing again!

Little Maximus does not intentionally doing this, but we as adults make "free will death dives" all the time! I feel like there are so many people around me, whom I dearly love, that are choosing death. Not literally (although some of their actions are risky) they are choosing the path that may stop them from living in what God wants. We choose to stop breathing. We choose to use drugs, cheat on our spouse, give up on our marriage, neglect our kids, mistreat our friends, develop eating disorders, or walk away from God. Unlike baby Max, we decide that this way is easier, less hurtful, more convenient. Life isn't easy friends. Jesus never said it would be. But God has given us free will to choose Life. He even gave us free will to choose Him....or not. That's how much He loves us!

This is my cry people, don't choose death. Stay and fight. Even if little Max is unable to control his death dives, he sure is fighting for life. But remember, no matter how far we run, Gods love is still there. He never leaves us or forsakes us. Nothing we choose will ever keep Him from loving us.

"Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:28

Side of Guilt

Twenty one months after the twins were born, I finally had my first night away from them last night! With Bella I think we went to a hotel without her when she was 6 months! Don't worry, we didn't leave her home alone, she was with my mom. :) The babies and Bella also stayed with my parents last night. I don't have to worry about them there, knowing their needs will be met, they will have fun, and most importantly they will be safe! Yet, with all this considered I cant help but still feel guilty about leaving them.

When I used to think about being a mom I don't remember thinking "I want to be a mom, and don't forget the side of guilt please!" I am not sure what it is, but I feel guilty about a lot of things with my children. I feel bad if I have to leave them with people for a long period of time, even if its with my husband. I feel horrible if I don't feed them enough fruit or veggies, if they sat in a wet diaper too long, or went to bed late! Don't get me wrong, I am not consumed with these emotions constantly, but I do feel a slight pinch in my heart if I am not totally meeting my girls needs!

My sister in law just gave birth last night to my adorable and very early nephew Maximus! (hence the girls sleeping out, we were at the hospital) He is teeny tiny and cannot be held yet. My sis in law told me that she feels so awful that she cant hold him and feed him yet. All this because he is in an incubator with tubes, clearly not her fault and there is nothing she can do about it but wait! My point being, she has been a mom for barely a day and already feels guilt! She will be a great mommy.

I am coming away from this reflection trying to think in a different way. I have to find that place where I can let people take care of them without feeling like I am a burden. I hate making people feel put out or like I am unloading my kids on anyone, but I need to get away from them more often!

So....anyone want to babysit tomorrow? Just kidding!

These Shoes Were Made For....

What household duties do you have to accomplish daily? For me its usually, empty dishwasher, do a load of laundry, sweep and vacuum. (I am not talking about the daily meals, caring for children, etc, etc. I could go on). I pretty much daily have to do these activities and lately I have been doing them in heals. Oh yes, heals. I have been trying to break in shoes for my sisters wedding and these activities remind me to put on the shoes. I am not sure why really. In any case, I decided vacuuming in heals is the best way to get my shoes broken in, and it is kind of fun. I rarely wear heals. I have not bought any shoe that was not a flip flop in years, and my shoe shelf is extremely outdated. It is quite sad. My shoes look how I feel sometimes! Old worn out and tired. Previously new and shiny, but then run down with daily activities. Maybe that is why I wear my new shoes while doing house chores...I know how often I do those and how tiring it is, therefore my new pretty shoes will get comfy and tired while doing all the work whilst on my feet? Am I making any sense?

I couldn't tell you much about shoe fashion right now. I typically pick the most comfy practical pair to get me through each day without giving me pains. I know of some really good baby shoes though! I know much more in kids fashion these days! Because of my sisters wedding I have made more purchases for myself in the last 2 months, then in the last 3 years put together! Lots to do this week, and lots of rest needed! Off to bed I go! 

Here is Ileana (Lili) enjoying one of my new pairs!

Isaiah 40:31  But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will RUN and not grow weary. They will WALK and not faint.

I am needing some renewed strength mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally right now. God, my hope is in You!

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Singing to a Different Tune

The weather has been spectacular lately! With a high of 60+ degrees the next few days, we will be out enjoying the sun! When in the car last week we (meaning the girls and I) were on our way home from a day at Mormors and listening to music. Bella is at an age where she can ask for music she enjoys. Usually she asks for princess songs. Since my princess music collection is non existent, we usually just plug in my phone and listen to the children's Disney channel on Padora. With the windows rolled down I found myself fist pumping and singing to Imagination Movers, Hot Dog (Mickey Mouse), and Choo Choo Soul.  Wow. There was a time in my life I would pull up to an intersection bumping to something cool, sun glasses on, and more than likely a cigarette dangling out the window! Yes, I am a former smoker. SO very weird to think about now.

I know I have blogged many times about having out of body experiences, the moments of "how did I get here"? Well, it happens a lot. I often look back on my life and think, reflect, ponder. In fact, just tonight I was looking at old pictures with Pablo and he is still shocked at what I used to look in high school and college! My former body that was pre-babies, cigarette addicted, and eating disordered sure looked nice in pictures. I was sure unhappy though. I often have past feelings creep up on me. Since dieting and working out, my former ways sure seem much easier. Talking with my husband last night he said "you can't change the past, but you can the future." He even quoted Tony Horton, "Do your best, and forget the rest!" this triggered laughing....if you know P90X then you will get this! Thanks P90X. All you can do is move forward and not look back. But we were also talking about how amazing it was to look back when we were 19 and how far away 29 seemed. Now its the opposite ...19 seems so long ago!

So from my rambling I mean this, choose a new song, make a change, move on. We cant change the mistakes we made yesterday, but we change today. As Mickey Mouse sings...

"Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggety dog
It's a brand new day
Whatcha waiting for?
Get up, stretch out, stomp on the floor!" 
"Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggety dog!"

Grow!

God tells us to be slow to anger, it is all over the Bible. I never really understood this until lately. Usually if my children do something super naughty I can feel steam shoot from my ears instantly! For example, the other night Bella was in the bath and was pouring water in cup fulls onto the towel, rug, and bathroom floor. My first reaction was the instant rise in temperature and anger. In my head I was thinking, "she knows better!". So after an angry reaction and a gasp with a "NO!", I asked her why she did that!? She then looked at me with innocent brown eyes and in her small voice said, "I want to grow flowers!".  I suddenly melted, and explained to her why flowers could not grow there.  You see, we have been growing some seeds in little pots and she is in charge of watering them. Aunt Nichole gave us little egg pots, with soil and flower seeds. Isabella was way to excited to wait to grow them outside, so we went ahead and started them. I hope they don't grow too big before we need to put them in a bigger pot outside!

So in her naughty-ness she was actually trying to make something beautiful grow on the bathroom floor! In her naive actions she does not realize that the conditions are not quite right. No soil, seeds, pots, or sun. I could not help but think of all the things in my life I try to grow that are not in ideal conditions. For instance, relationships. There are some friendships that I occasionally want to water. Some people that I want a relationship with but the conditions are not right. My friend Hayley, who was in my wedding (5 years ago this summer) went to school in Seattle for 4 years. While she was off at college, I was having babies and starting my life with Pablo. With occasional phone calls and visits, this "watering" was not doing much for our friendship. I was often upset that this friendship was not stronger. Its not that we didn't love each other, or want a friendship, we were just in different places. Different physical locations, and also different places in our lives. She now lives back in Denver, and we have been able to reconnect and relate to each other on so many different levels! She is A maz zazing!

Sadly, there are many friendships I could try harder at growing. Yet, I have come to realize that this just may not be the time for those friendships to grow. So I will wait, maybe one day the soil will be just right. I will not force a friendship, but I will continue to love from a distance. Knowing that they will always have a special place in my heart. Who knows what the future holds! LOVE to you all.

Here are our little pots in the kitchen window!

If you ask Bella what kind of flowers she's growing, she would tell you "Daisies, pink ones, and lellow ones!"

Kings vs Wally World

We are always in need of milk and bananas.  Most weeks I find myself in the grocery store at least 3 times, if not more! My children's love for fresh fruit and milk make grocery runs an every other day occurance! Just buy a lot you say, stock up, right?. Well, bananas brown and milk goes bad. Plus the more I buy, the more we seem to consume!

I try to not shop with my girls, but most of the time I have to bring them with. Leaving small children home alone is frowned upon. (JK!) I wish I didnt have to grocery shop at all. I DREAD going to the store for a massive shopping trip. Something I have learned to loathe just recently. I used to enjoy strolling the aisles, looking for a deal or checking off my list of my "pre planned" meals for the week. Now its more like the gorcery cart game show. A mad dash to grab a deal, keep kids happy, and not forget what I wrote on my grocery list....the one I left at home. Inevetebly something is always forgotten and then carried over to next weeks list!

Although I really do not like the whole shopping expeirence, I choose Kings Soopers over Wal-Mart almost everytime. In order to keep myself somewhat happy. I have had many discussions with moms about which store is cheaper. Oh yes, I do sit around and have "gorcery talk"! Oh, my life is thrilling! If you care about this topic as much as I do, then you may enjoy the following list:

15 Reasons I Shop at King Soopers (Not Wal-Mart)

15. They have sales, and markdowns, and weekly mailers
14. I can find a parking spot close to the entry
13. The employees are friendly and actually SMILE
12. They have a 1 cent horsey ride, they even provide the penny!
11. I get 10 cents off my gas with my Soopers card
10. Kings sends me a personalized coupon packet for items I buy often
9. They have fruit samples in the produce section
8. They have the "car cart", I can buckle down all 3 kids!
7. The deli lady has teenage twin girls, she gives me advice every Thurs, and gives the girls cheese :)
6. They have adorable gourmet cakes and treats in the bakery that we like to look at!
5. Free pink kids cookies! (Its all about the samples!)
4.10 for $10 baby
3. Some meat is marked down to a "managers special", saving me $$
2. The checkers bag, AND put in the cart for me!
1. There is a STARBUCKS in store. This reason alone keeps me coming back!

Happy shopping!

My Life in Time Lapse

I am not a very "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of girl. I like to know whats happening next, at what time, and with whom. So when my husband said at 10:00 am Saturday morning, lets go to the mountains for the night, you can imagine the instant list and planning that began to scroll through my head! I think its funny how mothers never really have a vacation, especially when the kids go! I sit here Sunday night and imagine my weekend in a time lapse. I would LOVE to see just one day of mine recorded and played back in fast forward! I think it would be hilarious. My cousin did a time lapse one year of his family's Thanksgiving. The family scurried about like ants. I feel this way in life. Going back and forth, going in circles, running around in a hurry, and looking back not know what just happened to 24 hours of my life.

Yet there was a moment this weekend that was for ME. I mean my life is full of special moments. Moments with my children, like this weekend waking up to little smiles peering over their pack n plays. Or watching them giggle and jump on the hotel beds (NOT allowed at home :). Or holding my husbands hand chatting about life as we drive 3 hours to Glenwood Springs. These moments are all priceless, and wonderful. But rarely do I have Nina moments. My friend Hayley and I were just talking about those moments where God reveals His love for you. I had one this weekend. As my time lapse life was in motion. The babies swam with Pablo, Bella sat next to me on the steps in the hot springs, and I noticed the sun was shinning with no clouds in the sky. I looked up in search of the warm sun on my face. I sat in the hot springs, with the suns rays on my face. I thought for a moment I was not in the cold mountains, but on a beach in the warm ocean. It was weird. I literally felt Gods love warm my soul and place me in a different state of mind. Its moments like those that get me through the chaos that is my life. It was a moment like in the movies when time stands still around you.

Although this was not the trip my husband and I long for (7 days child-less in the Caribbean, haha), it was fun. Something I wish we had money for more often. In the mean time, I will hold onto my moment of calm and Love, the moment that seemed to be paused in my time lapse!

The Lord says, "I have loved you with an everlasting love." Jeremiah 31:3

I pray God finds you in your chaos, hurt, stress, and busy life and reveals is deep love for you.

Now for pics, HOT SPRINGS!!!




"My name is Isabella Brooke", as she introduced herself to people at the springs!





The girls and I

 


Boots and swim suits!





Lili and Gabi

 



Gues who kept running out of this picture?

 


The End.



Lesser of Two Evils

You remember my past entries or mentions of my diet right? Welllll, about that. Although I have lost a lot of weight since November, it is barley noticeable by many. I too cannot see it much, except for on the scale. Oh, and my ring fits better, along with my bras :) I was extreme dieting before and succeeded even during the holiday season. However this time around I kept cheating. After a long talk with my husband, and starting to read the book Born to Crave, I have come to the conclusion that I will not do this diet right now. I have decided to cut portions in half, watch my carbs, and workout. I loathe working out. I think that may be due to all the running my lacrosse and field hockey coaches made me do in high school! At least that is what I choose to blame it on! I also figured out that I love food more than I hate working out! If that makes any sense. In other words, I have chosen the workout route opposed to the extremely restrictive (yet successful) diet I was on. Working out being my lesser evil. So I may not loose another 20 pounds before my sister's wedding, but hopefully I can get down a few more before March 26. I have chosen the lesser of two evils! Because we all know that dieting and working out do seem evil! Yet God wants us to take care of our bodies, so maybe its not so evil?

We ventured out today and went swimming at the rec center today! The girls played in the shallow zero entry pool that has a kiddie slide, and water fountains. I have been meaning to take them all winter and just got to it today! We had a blast, and snacked and swam for hours. It was very tiring, one of those days I needed a nanny, but well worth the work!

*Congratulations to my friend Anita and her new baby girl!

Happy Valentimes!

My not so subtle 3 year old has been telling her daddy all week that she wants a balloon and chocolates for "Valentimes" day! She knows how this holiday works already! I love seeing Pablo spoil his girls. Being a parent truly makes the whole child/Father relationship I have with God more real. I will never fully grasp how much God loves me, but I sure have a better idea of it now that I am a parent.

I know this holiday can be hard if you are single. I read the following letter one year when I was having a difficult time. I actually think its a good letter to read anytime of the year, for anyone!  Then of course pics of our latest baking adventure are below.... Hope you have a good one!

My Child,
You may not know me, but I know everything about you ~ Psalm 139:1.  I know when you sit down and when you rise up ~ Psalm 139:2.  I am familiar with all your ways ~ Psalm 139:3.  Even the very hairs on your head are numbered ~ Matt 10:29-31.  For you were made in my image ~ Gen 1:27.  In me you live and move and have your being ~ Acts 17:28.  For you are my offspring ~ Acts 17:28.  I knew you even before you were conceived ~ Jer 1:4-5.  I chose you when I planned creation ~ Eph 1:11-12.  You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book ~ Psalm 139:15-16. I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live ~ Acts 17:26.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made ~ Psalm 139:14.  I knit you together in your mother's womb ~ Psalm 139:13.  And brought you forth on the day you were born ~ Psalm 71:6. I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me ~ John 8:41-44.  I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love ~ 1 John 4:16.  And it is my desire to lavish my love on you ~ 1 John 3:1. Simply because you are my child and I am your father ~ 1 John 3:1. I offer you more than your earthly father ever could ~ Matt 7:11.  For I am the perfect father ~ Matt 5:48. Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand ~ James 1:17.  For I am your provider and I meet all your needs ~ Matt 6:31-33. My plan for your future has always been filled with hope ~ Jer 29:11. Because I love you with an everlasting love ~ Jere 31:3. My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore ~ Psalm 139:17-18. And I rejoice over you with singing ~ Zeph 3:17. I will never stop doing good to you ~ Jer 32:40.  For you are my treasured possession ~ Ex 19:5.  I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul ~ Jer 32:41.  And I want to show you great and marvelous things ~ Jer 33:3.  If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me ~ Deut4:29.  Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart ~ Psalm 37:4.  For it is I who gave you those desires ~ Phil2:13.  I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine ~ Eph 3:20.  For I am your greatest encourager ~ 2 Thess 2:16-17.  I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles ~ 2 Cor 1:3-4.  When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you ~ Psalm 34:18.  As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart ~ Isa 40:11.  One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes ~ Rev21:3-4.  And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth ~ Rev 21:3-4.  I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus ~ John 17:23.  For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed ~ John 17:26.  He is the exact representation of my being ~ Heb1:3.  He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you ~ Rom8:31.  And to tell you that I am not counting your sins ~ 2 Cor5:18-19.  Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled ~ 2 Cor 5:18-19.  His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you ~ 1 John 4:10.  I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love ~ Rom 8:31-32.  If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me ~ 1 John 2:23.  And nothing will ever separate you from my love again ~ Rom 8:38-39.  Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen ~ Luke 15:7.  I have always been Father, and will always be Father ~ Eph3:14-15.  My question is ~ Will you be my child? ~ John 1:12-13.  I am waiting for you ~ Luke 15:11-32
                                     Love, Your Dad, Almighty God

Bella got to decorate alone with me!

Life: Ordinary or Extraodinary?

I have been having one of those weeks. If you read my recent posts and clearly see that! Everything has just felt so ordinary. Blah. Nothing fun or special. I love, love, love the snow, but it is keeping me home bound with the girls. You see, we don't have a garage. May not seem like a big deal, but it is SUCH a hassle getting the girls in the car! When we load up to get in the car its usually like wrangling a heard of small animals. We go outside with my hands loaded with diaper bags, blankets, etc. But when there is snow outside it is just a site! Gabi usually sits down in the snow, or lays down in it, then proceeds to eat it. Lili usually just runs around screaming in it and inevitably ends up falling. Then there is Bella, off in lala land dancing and stomping with her snow boots. This makes for one cold and wet trip in the car.

After nearly four sleepless nights with Lili, (look at my "New" post :) I was trying to figure out why she wasn't sleeping. She has been drooling and cutting teeth like crazy so I tried to just blame it on that. With no other symptoms other than sleepless nights I had no idea what was going on. My mom had said on Sunday, "Maybe its an ear infection?". I thought well maybe...but like I said there was nothing else going on, no fever, no tugging on the ears, and her appetite was good too. Well you know the saying. "mother knows best". In this case it was the mother of the mother, they really know best! Sure enough...double ear infections! My poor baby. Bad mommy! Ah, the guilt that come with being a mom!

You should have seen us load up for the doctor. I think it was still -1 degree outside at 8:45am. There was an opening at 9:15 at the doc. Uh...to dress or not to dress? We would never make it if I tried to cloth everyone! So I grabbed the diaper bag (I try to pre stock it for such occasions), took Bella potty...and off to the car. After hats, coats, and gloves, I carried each pajama kid to the car one by one. Through the snow and negative temps. Whoever was remaining inside would press their little faces against the sliding glass door and cry til I returned for them.

We made it to the appointment! We got looks from other parents. Yes, My kids are in their PJ's, so?

My ordinary life may feel ordinary at times. I may feel alone (although Pablo is such a great father and husband) as a mom, you just feel alone sometimes. A lot of mothers just feel that way I think. Yet, I have never had such great adventures in my life. Thanks Kari R, and Liz P for the feedback on FB! You are extraordinary mommies!

Ordinary: of a common everyday kind

Extraordinary: very unusual and deserving attention and comment because of being wonderful, excellent, strange, or shocking

I looked up some definitions, just be sure. Yep, my life is extraordinary!!!

"Cuh Cake"

Let the Valentines baking begin!!! LOVE V-day, hearts, pink, all things girly and lovey. It's a good thing I have 3 girls! Bella was begging to make cupcakes last week, so we made white cake and strawberry frosting "cuh cakes". That's what Gabi says, "cuh cake, cuh cake". My little muffin can't or doesn't want to say many words. But she sure knows how to say "cook" for cookie and cupcake though. Lili does most of the talking, leaving Gabi to talk out of necessity (She is like her dad in this respect). Lili is a lot like her mom, talks...well, just to talk! Ha. Here are some yummy photos of our latest baking adventure! Sugar cookies are later this week!

CUH CAKE!