HOPE

Hope 1: to cherish a desire with anticipation 2: to desire with expectation of obtainment 3: to expect with confidence

I have always loved the verse 1 Cor 13:7, I used it on my wedding invitations. I had "faith hope and love" on my wedding cake, I have it all through out my home in various places. I have always found it easy to embrace faith and love, not fully understanding hope. Or experiencing it.  Recently I have discovered hope. There is all kinds of destruction going on around me, all different struggles, I have said this in previous posts. People, who know better, making awful hurtful decisions. I have been having a hard time as well. You see, we are really struggling this month financially. It's hard to admit, especially on a public blog. But I really feel like God wants me to share this and my hope with you. My husband is a great provider. He works extra days just for an extra buck. If you know him at all, you would agree his work ethic is like no other. I have had some random "gigs" lately too, but things are rough.

We have a friend who is a pastor in Greeley, and he tells this story about when he and his wife were first married they got their car repossessed. All he could do was laugh. Things were so bad that he just laughed. I have gotten to that point. I hung up our notice of disconnect from Xcel on the fridge as if it were one of Bella's projects. Our first notice ever! Have you ever had less than a dollar in your bank account? Talk about trust and hope.

We have food in our pantry, a roof over our head and clothes. The girls are (thankfully) clothed by others who love to buy them things. I usually would be stressed to the max, sleepless, and crying. Well ok, I did all that last week. But this week I have a new hope. An anticipation that all things will work out for good. I know God has a plan for all of those people that I am concerned about. I know He will take care of me also.

I am excited for things to come, I am ready for tomorrow.

Romans 12:12 "Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying."

Happy Birthday Mom! I got to bake a lot this week=happy me.

 

The Puzzle

Lately Isabella has been really into puzzles. She has a small stack of wood ones, cardboard ones, and she even plays virtual ones on computers and iphones. Whatever she can get her hands on! We occasionally lose pieces (mostly because of the little sister's). This drives Bella bonkers. She cannot stand when there are missing pieces, she asks me to go to the store to see if they have the lost pieces. :)

I too hate a missing piece. In a puzzle, or in life. I feel as though there are so many missing pieces in my life. I have my amazing husband and kids and Jesus Christ as my Savior, but I feel as though there are more pieces that need to be filled in. I heard an analogy once relating life to a painting. There are different layers and colors that have to be painted, which initially looks like a mess, but when finished a beautiful painting is revealed.

Perhaps my puzzle will never be finished in this lifetime. Or God may have the missing pieces in His hand waiting to reveal it at the perfect time (something I used to do as a child so that I could be the last to finish the puzzle, oooh  ah hahaha < evil laugh).  Although Gods reasoning behind withholding some  pieces is probably much different than mine!

In the meantime, I wait for the next piece to fall in place. The next step to having God's full plan in place for my life. Yet, why is it so hard to wait and trust? Like I said, I do hate an unfinished puzzle!

Psalm 143:7 "I'll go to sleep each night trusting in you." (The Message)

I love you God, sorry my mind doubts... my heart knows you have it all under control!

Lili, Bella, and Gabi

We did some Easter baking at my moms today! Butterscotch birds nests, sugar cookies, and rice crispy treats!  Notice the new little spatuala's from Mormor?

Getting Through Today

Some days are easier than others. Today is not an easy one. In fact this past week has been pretty difficult.  After helping my husband get through the stomach flu Friday and Saturday, I then got it Sunday along with my Lili. Now here I am Wednesday, still suffering from a raw stomach, cleaning up sheets, floors, bathrooms and clothes from all kinds of bodily fluids that seem to not want to go away. Lets just leave it at that. My point for sharing this awful morning I have had so far is because no one ever tells you that this is going to happen as a mom. Yes, you see your own mother go through it, but nothing ever prepares you for these kinds of days.

 I have this sweet little daily devotional book for moms. It usually starts with a short little lesson about some kind of characteristic a mother has, followed by a Bible verse. Sweet? Yes. Cute? Yep. Uplifting? Perhaps. Practical? Not for me. I need a devotional that has daily advice like, "Today you will be cleaning up poop and vomit, hang in there, Jesus loves you!". Or maybe, "You may want to run away from your life today, please don't, it will get better soon!". Maybe my life is an exeption, maybe things are just that much harder in the Aguirre house!  Even the most normal days at home with my girls have enough struggles to make being a mom so difficult. I have so much on my mind, from finances to family stuff. How do I just focus on today? We are supposed to be leaving town Friday! Go away stomach flu!

I keep having to postpone plans, move play dates, cancel activities...our social life will just have to wait I suppose! In the mean time I will just try to get through today. To my fellow mommies, if you are in need of a daily devotional about poop, I am your girl! 

Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

P.S. I havent baked in so long...*sigh*       

A Free Will Death Dive

As I mentioned in my last blog post, I have the most precious little nephew in the NICU getting stronger everyday! He is doing so well. He kicked his jaundice, and is making more progress daily. Yet the one thing keeping him in the hospital are his death dives. His daddy (my brother in law) has coined these episodes that name! Most preemies have this problem, they forget to breathe! They just dont know how yet. Sounds silly, but they are supposed to be in the womb with mama doing all the breathing for them. Although mighty Max is getting few of these death dives, and learning how to recover on his own, the nurse usually has to rub him and wake him up a bit to get him to start breathing again!

Little Maximus does not intentionally doing this, but we as adults make "free will death dives" all the time! I feel like there are so many people around me, whom I dearly love, that are choosing death. Not literally (although some of their actions are risky) they are choosing the path that may stop them from living in what God wants. We choose to stop breathing. We choose to use drugs, cheat on our spouse, give up on our marriage, neglect our kids, mistreat our friends, develop eating disorders, or walk away from God. Unlike baby Max, we decide that this way is easier, less hurtful, more convenient. Life isn't easy friends. Jesus never said it would be. But God has given us free will to choose Life. He even gave us free will to choose Him....or not. That's how much He loves us!

This is my cry people, don't choose death. Stay and fight. Even if little Max is unable to control his death dives, he sure is fighting for life. But remember, no matter how far we run, Gods love is still there. He never leaves us or forsakes us. Nothing we choose will ever keep Him from loving us.

"Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:28

Side of Guilt

Twenty one months after the twins were born, I finally had my first night away from them last night! With Bella I think we went to a hotel without her when she was 6 months! Don't worry, we didn't leave her home alone, she was with my mom. :) The babies and Bella also stayed with my parents last night. I don't have to worry about them there, knowing their needs will be met, they will have fun, and most importantly they will be safe! Yet, with all this considered I cant help but still feel guilty about leaving them.

When I used to think about being a mom I don't remember thinking "I want to be a mom, and don't forget the side of guilt please!" I am not sure what it is, but I feel guilty about a lot of things with my children. I feel bad if I have to leave them with people for a long period of time, even if its with my husband. I feel horrible if I don't feed them enough fruit or veggies, if they sat in a wet diaper too long, or went to bed late! Don't get me wrong, I am not consumed with these emotions constantly, but I do feel a slight pinch in my heart if I am not totally meeting my girls needs!

My sister in law just gave birth last night to my adorable and very early nephew Maximus! (hence the girls sleeping out, we were at the hospital) He is teeny tiny and cannot be held yet. My sis in law told me that she feels so awful that she cant hold him and feed him yet. All this because he is in an incubator with tubes, clearly not her fault and there is nothing she can do about it but wait! My point being, she has been a mom for barely a day and already feels guilt! She will be a great mommy.

I am coming away from this reflection trying to think in a different way. I have to find that place where I can let people take care of them without feeling like I am a burden. I hate making people feel put out or like I am unloading my kids on anyone, but I need to get away from them more often!

So....anyone want to babysit tomorrow? Just kidding!