Oh Shart

Today was not anything out of the ordinary, but today just was. I was reminded this morning that it was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss day, which is indeed a special day of remembrance. But really it was an ordinary day for me with school volunteering, a SAMs club stock up, Trader Joes run, school pick up, etc. Like any normal and busy day I think often of the little one we lost a few months ago. The void is still there. My womb still aches with the feeling of loss and sadness. The tears were unusually accessible today, right behind the eye balls. But as I pushed back discussing my feelings today, or letting myself cry, the day got heavier and much less ordinary than most. This evening as my hubby and I kissed briefly as he left for the evening for practice at church, the dreadful school night routine set in. 

First dinner, that two thirds of my children didn't eat. My mood felt a bit heavier. Then bath time, they use conditioner instead of shampoo, and water is everywhere, ugh.  It's officially time to graduate from the tub to exclusively showers. And after brushed tangles and pajamas, I send them in the other room to read and finish a math game. Oh how I loath homework math games. I hate homework, I hate math, I hate games. Torturous combo for me. But upon tossing the dinner dishes in the sink I can hear giggles from the other room. The loud and sort of naughty giggles, you know the kind. I yell down the hall an inquiry to the noise, with a quick response,  "(Blank) is farting so much and it's so funny!" Yes, I have girls who fart, a lot. And think it's hilarious. One in particular was gassy and taking the stage as master tooter for the evening.  But when I go and check in on the reading, and stupid math game...and fartiing... I have discovered this superstar farter has sharted in her pants in the middle of her performance. Awesome. Yes, this really happened. *Disclaimer for my friends without kids, kids are gross. They poop themselves trying to fart, they lick playgrounds, eat their boogers, and just plain smell! Guys, it was not funny at the time and just about sent me over the edge. After finishing homework with what felt like a pace of knee deep mud walking, I notice bedtime has come and gone. Another 10 minutes spent on teeth and actually laying their bodies still, in a bed, I keep peeking on the clock. 40 minutes past bedtime. Oh motherhood is draining. 

October 15th ended with prayers, and the normal stalling of sleep. But the normal stalling somehow led to the discussion of their lost baby sibling. They asked how big the baby would be now, and how sad it still makes them. We don't discuss it enough. First of all because we just get so busy, but also its just hard. I hate seeing their sadness that still lingers, but it's getting better with time.  I feel uncomfortable with answering all of the "why" questions, when I myself struggle to comprehend it all. But it was wonderful. They knew I wanted and needed to talk about it tonight, even if I didn't. More importantly, Jesus knew I needed to talk about baby tonight. Thank you, Jesus, for your faithfulness at the end of the day. You show up in the small things, in all things. Thanks for showing You really do care, and You really want to listen. Thanks for using my girls to do that today, even if they shart. See? He can even use the most unclean and unworthy of us! My smelly children are a prime example of that. 

 

On a very serious and amazing note...

My husbands cousin is doing an amazing thing, check it out: http://www.youaremissingfromme.org

Don't Forget Leg Day

You've all seen the memes, the ones about leg day.  The dudes who only work out their biceps and chests, leaving their legs scrawny and unproportioned to their upper body. If you haven't, you need to Google that ASAP.  This last year as I have been working out and running and lifting again, I can feel my muscles. I can see my muscles. Even under the chub I'm still trying to loose I can feel the strong muscle under all that. Results I have enjoyed seeing through the grueling pain and long mornings in the gym, (or at the park :). But the last couple of months I have not been able to workout as much as I have been working out a different muscle, my heart. In August I found out that I was pregnant, a very shocking and almost scary discovery as we were not planning on having another child. But then soon after we fell in love with our unexpected blessing, we found out that I had lost the baby. We had to break the news to our girls who were elated at the idea of being big sisters. As we mounrned and cried as a family, we were left asking, why? Why did we all have to go through this? We were left confused and sad. I always said that I could never endure a miscarriage, and never understood how women get through it. And here I am, I made it through. But It was one of the deepest pains I've ever felt. 

While I may never know why I went through what I did, I do know that my heart muscle is indeed stronger front the experience. Like so many difficult things I go through, I hate the pain and suffering, but enjoy the outcome. I am stronger, wiser, and my heart can handle more. I cannot forget that my heart muscle also needs a workout. Otherwise I will just have a small, puny, and weak heart. Incapable of handling stress and hard times. And with little capacity to love and unable to feel others pain as they go through the same struggles I have. As I look back into my past heart aches from years ago, I see more clearly why I went through what I did. I hold onto hope that the same clarity will come when I eventually look back at this time of my life. 

“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

Romans 5:3-5 

As as my heart recovers from its massive workout, I can count my blessings that it was a short time. Many struggles can be long and seem never ending. I have a friend going through an ugly divorce, another looking for a job for months while she single parents her daughter, and an old neighbor fighting cancer. These people, who are undeserving of such trials, are still in the storm. Although God is not the creator of our hardships, He does promise to never leave us. So I pray that He makes himself known to them, and to you today as you battle through life's most difficult times. I pray they, and you, know their hearts will be stronger in the end.  Life is BRUTIFUL, as a favorite blogger of mine has said. I couldn't have said it better myself. 

Living by His grace and mercy daily, Nina