Don't Forget Leg Day

You've all seen the memes, the ones about leg day.  The dudes who only work out their biceps and chests, leaving their legs scrawny and unproportioned to their upper body. If you haven't, you need to Google that ASAP.  This last year as I have been working out and running and lifting again, I can feel my muscles. I can see my muscles. Even under the chub I'm still trying to loose I can feel the strong muscle under all that. Results I have enjoyed seeing through the grueling pain and long mornings in the gym, (or at the park :). But the last couple of months I have not been able to workout as much as I have been working out a different muscle, my heart. In August I found out that I was pregnant, a very shocking and almost scary discovery as we were not planning on having another child. But then soon after we fell in love with our unexpected blessing, we found out that I had lost the baby. We had to break the news to our girls who were elated at the idea of being big sisters. As we mounrned and cried as a family, we were left asking, why? Why did we all have to go through this? We were left confused and sad. I always said that I could never endure a miscarriage, and never understood how women get through it. And here I am, I made it through. But It was one of the deepest pains I've ever felt. 

While I may never know why I went through what I did, I do know that my heart muscle is indeed stronger front the experience. Like so many difficult things I go through, I hate the pain and suffering, but enjoy the outcome. I am stronger, wiser, and my heart can handle more. I cannot forget that my heart muscle also needs a workout. Otherwise I will just have a small, puny, and weak heart. Incapable of handling stress and hard times. And with little capacity to love and unable to feel others pain as they go through the same struggles I have. As I look back into my past heart aches from years ago, I see more clearly why I went through what I did. I hold onto hope that the same clarity will come when I eventually look back at this time of my life. 

“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

Romans 5:3-5 

As as my heart recovers from its massive workout, I can count my blessings that it was a short time. Many struggles can be long and seem never ending. I have a friend going through an ugly divorce, another looking for a job for months while she single parents her daughter, and an old neighbor fighting cancer. These people, who are undeserving of such trials, are still in the storm. Although God is not the creator of our hardships, He does promise to never leave us. So I pray that He makes himself known to them, and to you today as you battle through life's most difficult times. I pray they, and you, know their hearts will be stronger in the end.  Life is BRUTIFUL, as a favorite blogger of mine has said. I couldn't have said it better myself. 

Living by His grace and mercy daily, Nina

Healing in Layers

I am in the tail end of my healing process after my foot ligament repair. I am on week 5 of my 6 week cast and no walking ordeal. It has been a process of patience and healing slowly. This time has left me emotional and reflective on many topics. One of them, healing. The healing processes is interesting, and very layered. And it takes a lot time. Something I have heard for years. Soon after my grandmother died people told me that time will make it better and I heard the same after a breakup with a boyfriend, and it felt like I would never get over it. They would say that time can heal all wounds. Though I know that God can heal, and heal quickly, he also allows us to grieve and walk through the healing process in our own time. We cannot go from hurt to quick healing because there are so many things we learn and need to address along the way. But Jesus helps us through each step. I wish I could be walking right now, but my ligament needs time to heal before it can be used again.

This physical healing has been many steps and layers. First was the post-op recovery, just trying to get over the meds and trauma that any surgery comes with. The wound is still bleeding and swollen. And much like any emotional trauma in life, this is the hardest stage. I can think of so many times in my life, or examples in others' lives that this can be related to. A death, a breakup, divorce, or betrayel. The initial shock after these experiences are hard and often leave us sick, crying, and laid up in bed for a while. 

Then comes the baby steps to recovery. I got my cast on the week after surgery, and was still in so much pain. Any movement or tug was so painful. When the heart has been wounded, it too is sensitive and raw. Any memory or word can inflict pain and tears so easily. So many freedoms we once knew are now lost. For me physically it's walking and getting around on my own. Similarly, after a death or break up we can't hug the person we love so much. We lose the freedom to see them, to talk to them, or tell them how much they mean to us. 

I am now getting more comfortable. It's a "proceed with caution" stage. I still have my limitations, but I feel more comfortable to leave the house more often and move around on my scooter and crutches. Like the heart, it's a tender balance between building strength, but still knowing that you aren't fully healed. Pushing it too much would only lead to more pain and discomfort. 

Next week I will finally be free of my cast, but I will recieve a walking boot in its place. Another layer to my healing. Physical therapy will then begin and the healing process will continue. Only time can make my injury better. And only time can help heal the heart.

Then there will be a scar. I will have a mark on the foot forever, reminding me of the pain and healing process I had to endure in order to get healthy. Our hearts have scars. And the twinges of pain may never be fully gone. I learned this last night.  Ten years after my grandma Nadine's death I learned that the twinge of pain is still there. Of course I miss her daily, but I felt the pain of her loss again last night. My grandfather has sold their house, the house he designed built for his beloved wife Nadine. This was the last place she called home. It was the place where we spent many holidays, family dinners, and visits with her. So saying goodbye to her home was difficult. And some pain crept back in, and the healing process after her death continues, even after all these years. But it was a good time with family, and her closest friends as we shared memories of my grandmother. My Gabriella Nadine even begged for a walk down the coldesac in her neighborhood. Which I learned last night was one of grandmas favorite activities as she got sicker from cancer. So sweet and special that my Gabi, grandmas namesake, wanted to do that activity on our last visit there. Just like grandmas last days there.

 

Gods timing is perfect. He knows how to heal and when to heal. His timing, and slow healing in our lives is no mistake. And there is so much hope in the healing process. Hope to one day walk. Hope to be a better more compassionate person after we heal. So then we can one day help others as they go down the road to healing also. 

I painted this picture so I could visualize the layers of healing. There are bumpy textures, layers with scales and cracks, barbed wire and locks. The wounded heart heals in layers and time. Something I wish happened quickly, but can sometimes take months, or years. 

Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me. (Psalm 30:2 NIV)