Weak Sauce

Since my last blog post I've been trying to write a lighter and funnier entry. But it doesn't seem to unfold as I begin to write. The difficult things in my life are what materialize into blogs most often. The lessons I find in my weaknesses usually are more worth sharing. 

There are plenty of joyful and fun things that happen to me daily, but none unravel  into a profound lesson quit like my short comings do. And the main reason for this is because quite frankly, I am weak. Did ya hear me?? "I SAID I'M WEAK!" At every confession of this I am able to then boast on the strength that is my God. Through every hardship I encounter and every mistake I make I can allow The Lord to show His greatness through my weakness. Which allows me to be a million times stronger with Him than I could ever be on my own. 

Kara who has stage 4 cancer and writes the blog, Mundane Faithfulness, says this: 

"Faking strength leaves us all weaker in the end."

Isn't this so true? Even admitting when I'm feeling weak gives me strength as I let go of the pressure to be strong all the time. 

Check out her amazing journey, blogs, and book here   http://www.mundanefaithfulness.com

"Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me."

 2 Corinthians 12:9  

So stop pretending you have it all together when you're feeling inadequate. Being a mom, wife, and plain ol' human being some days is just tough. 

So expect many more posts in the future that follow my current writing trend :)

If you can relate to this, than try other related blogs of mine:

Bored and Restless: http://mommynina.blogspot.com/2013/10/the-bored-and-restless.html?m=1

I Got This:

http://mommynina.blogspot.com/2012/09/i-got-this.html?m=1

The Investment

Last week was one full of sadness and obstacles. All week I was fighting off tears each day. Running through the daily routine with little tiny speed bumps put in my way. I can only think of my roller blading days (yes, my sweet middle school mode of transportation!) when I used to get tripped up by a twig or giant gap between sidewalk tiles. I would often lose my balance and feel as if I was heading for a nasty fall (which I'm sure occasionally happened) but I would recover and stay on my feet to keep on bladin' to the pool. Oh the life of a middle schooler in the 90's! And those wrist guards! Wowsa.

Life feels like there is no return lately. Like I'm investing in so many areas in my life and I'm yet to see my investments pay out. Living in a society where we feed off of instant gratification, I have a hard time waiting for results. When the girls were younger I often felt restless when mothering got mundane. Feeding after feeding. Diaper after diaper. And some days all I felt like all I was doing was discipling them. Only to see no changes in the following day.  But now I can say that my children are healthy and (for the most part) well mannered and sweet girls. Making those deposits into their lives visible years later. 

Now I'm currently focusing on myself attempting to change. I'm once again on the rocky weight loss journey. Again. I'm investing into myself which is hard to begin with. Then investing 4-5 workouts a week makes it harder. It's been an investment of time and money. After my initial weight loss I have now plateaued. Of course the holidays had some effect on this. But as I continue on I'm frustrated with no results. And just like the twigs I used to trip on roller blading, so many things this week have tripped me up. I was told that I had a baby in my tummy by a 4 year old. Yikes. A day later I figured out, in a round about way, that  I was being told that my brand new heart monitor can't find my heart rate through my fat. Ouch. And to top it off the scale went up.  After 5 workouts this week. It. Went. Up. 

Speed bumps. Waiting. Discouragement. I know you can relate.  

But the bottom line is this. The investments we involve ourselves in will always take time. At least the most worthwhile investments will. Whether you're a pastor building a ministry one person at a time. A mom raising children, littles OR teenagers. A man working his ass off for 4 years with no raise. A women taking fertility treatments and blood tests trying to get pregnant. The time and wait can be disappointing and incredibly frustrating. Just like investing in the stock market, there are ups and downs. There is so much on the line. 

Today I wanted to quit. As I rowed on that stupid rowing machine and fought back tears of inadequacy, fatness, and failure I wanted to walk out and cancel my next week of workouts. But I didn't. I saw through the lies. I stuffed the tears and rowed through the pain. I reminded myself why I was there in the first place. Years of not investing into myself. So this investment will take awhile to finally see my return. I will deposit a little piece of myself daily. I can't see exactly what my heart rate is doing when I workout, but I do know that it's doing something. I know I'm sweating my face off and I can't breath. And my clothes are fitting differently, even if the scale doesn't reflect it. The results will come. I press one. Well....row on, to be exact 😊

"He reminds us almost everywhere to walk by faith in a promised future and not by the sight of immediate gratification (2 Corinthians 5:7)."

What Does Your Heart Carry? ❤️

Today the girls pulled out some Christmas movies, in September!! I haven't even gotten used to the approaching Fall season yet, let alone Christmas! Stupid Fall.  Anyway, they picked The Grinch. I overheard the girls talking while they watched and Lili says, "THAT'S his heart?!", in shock of how small it was. Bella answered "yep". Followed by Gabi's informational, "Yea, the heart carries the love."  After melting from the cuteness of Gabi's statement I began to think. So cute and so true....What else does the heart carry? What does my heart carry? 

This led me to look deep into my heart. I would like to think it only has love in it. Love for my girls, my husband, and God, etc. But what am I harboring in my heart that is making it Grinch like? Then this ugly word came jumping out at me, Jealousy. I've never thought of myself as a jealous person. I truly am genually happy for people when they succeed. When they get well deserved gifts and accomplishments. But as of late, I seem to covet those successes and blessings. I want them! My heart asks, "Why do I have to coupon and budget at the store every week and then hold my breath to see what my total is?" "How come my neighbor has a nice new car when mine looks like there is a bullet hole on the side and that I could deal drugs from out the window?" AND "why does SHE have a husband that makes so much money?" Then my most common heart question, "Why do they get to have a yard and a beautiful home and we don't??" Things. I'm coveting and jealous over THINGS. Ew. What a horrible and ugly thing for my heart to carry! God tells us "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Luke12:34) I often want things to be my treasures. But it shouldn't be. I should not let the wants of my mind take over my heart. 

What does your heart carry today? Hate, anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, or jealousy? Sadness, selfishness, or pride? 💔

The Bible says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." (Proverbs 4:23) I need to keep the uglys out of my heart. Guard it from the jealousy. So these things I hold will not seep into every aspect of my life. I want grace, mercy, love, and gentleness to overflow from the heart and get into everything else I do. 

 

Last night we attended a wedding of a couple from our church. The maid of honor gave a lovely speech. This one piece of advice she gave the couple really stuck out, "Love Jesus first every morning before you attempt to love anyone else". Simple and true. When I love Jesus I find it SO much easier to love the people who mistreat me. To love my kids when they annoy me. And to love my husband better when he walks in the door after a long day of work. 

Our hearts are in need of a Savior. We all fill our hearts with things that don't belong. Thank you God for sending your son Jesus. The Redeemer of all short comings and sins. It's exhausting trying to keep up with the Jones'. Trying to carry it all myself, it's too much. Jesus has filled in my gaps, replaced my emptyness and fear. What. A. Relief. 

Listen carefully, watch this video http://youtu.be/p7as4NRCpKs

Now go and Google "bible verses heart", Do it. ❤️ 

It Could Have Been Worse.

Opening up Blogger to see I haven't made one post this year. Not one wittle blog. But who has the time these days? Clearly not I. This week leaves me on the couch, breathing in the rainy air from the open patio door, and enjoying my musky smelling Paris candle burning next to me...having just washed bright red blood out of Gabi's precious white cardigan sweater. 

This week has been a hell of a week. School started for Isabella, full days, a first for us all. Our condo went on the market, 12+ showings in less than 24 hours. The cleaning, and leaving. Then cleaning again.... and then leaving, again. Oh, and there is the realtor letting herself in as I step out of the shower. Yep. Plus a notice to get out by October 1st by our landlord. Which wouldn't be such a big deal if the renting AND buying market wasn't a disaster. $1700 for a two bed one bath? $2200 for a 3 bed 2 bath? Ummmmm WHAT!? Am I the only one looking around saying....WTH?!?! Everyone is just digging deaper in their pocket and mine seems to have a hole. Well that's a whole different blog entry, which I might get to next year at this rate!

But the blood, oh man. After Gabi toppled out of the car attempting to sit in her booster seat, blood. Lots of squirting dripping bright red blood. As I looked for the source all kinds of things ran through my head. All of the left field "what ifs" a mom's brain can entertain. But after a long visit to the ER, observation, a little staple, and lots of tears, we are home. It could have been a lot worse. A head first fall from 3-4 feet could  have rendered a real serious injury, hence my crazy "what if" thoughts. But it was also the thought "is this really happening AGAIN?" All of our girls have had an emergency fix up of some kind. Myself included. Our medical debt can testify so.

I have a hard time not feeling guilty when I am frustrated with life. When I feel bombarded by sickness in our home (the entire last month), I have to tell myself, at least its not a long term illness. And our housing situation...it could be worse, I'm glad we aren't homeless? Or a glance at our empty bank account, well, my husband could be unemployed? But the relentless shots at our family have been just that, relentless. 

But I've learned that your problems are your problems. They still hurt. No matter the size. I often feel bad for feeling bad. If that makes any sense. But we each have our own cross to bear. I am thankful that God has chosen me to deal with these things rather than heavier ones. And we can't discount what others are feeling and going through because their hurts seem "smaller" than ours. 

I hope your August has been more peaceful than mine! And that your hurts are short lived and eased by the Comforter Himself. Because Jesus carried the biggest burden of us all and paid us up in full. We can find true Joy and Peace in Him alone as we walk through our trials. For that I am SO thankful....it could be worse...what if I didn't know the Savior that carries me through? That would be worse.

I lay my heavy heart at your feet Jesus. Thank you for my salvation and happiness found in you. 

"Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. You’re not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It’s the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won’t last forever. It won’t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does. " 1 Peter 5:8-11 MSG

Living by His grace and mercy daily, 

Nina

The Language of Love

Soon after I started dating my husband, his grandma came to visit from Argentina. Abuela America, or abuela Ica as we call her, embraced me from the moment I saw her. With hugs and kisses, and a slew of Spanish that I couldn't understand. Her rolling R's and thick Italian sounding Spanish was mixed with smiles and giggles as she touched my hair and held my hand. Her love was given to me from the moment I met her. She returned to the states a couple years later for our wedding. Again, she embraced me as her own grandchild and lovingly hugged and kissed me, and spoke endless Spanish to me that I couldn't understand! But there was one thing I could understand, this woman loved Jesus. I watched her pray, and worship in church.  Her eyes often filled with tears as she went to the Father in fervent prayer. His glory and love was real and very important to her.

On my wedding day she prayed for my womb. She layed her hand on my belly and the rapid Spanish came out of her lips. She prayed for babies, more importantly she prayed for babies that would love Jesus. She loved her children, grand children, and great-grand children so very much. Even before she met my children she adored them. She prayed for their salvation before they were even conceived.

Her life and love was a true testament to what Gods love is all about. We never had a conversation in the same language. We had the most perfect relationship in my mind. We didn't know about each other's flaws, or personality quirks. We just simply had love for each other. We only knew each other through Gods love. The language that surpasses all understanding. The Love that binds hearts and connects people. The Love that forgives, saves, and conquers death.

 She passed today to dwell in the presence of the Almighty and to recieve her complete healing. 

Abuela Ica, 

Thank you for always showing me Gods love. I may never have fully understood your words, but I understood the language of Heaven that spoke so loudly in your life. Jesus was the most important person in your life. Therefore you had endless love to give everyone around you. I see your love and passion in my daughters and I will never let them forget the legacy you gave them. Although you leave this world with a humble little home, second hand clothes in your closet, and a some pesos in the bank, you have left us with the greatest inheritance of all. Something more valuable than money and jewels. The Love of Jesus Christ. I am honored to be a part of your legacy and promise to never let it go. I am honored to be a part of your family.

We are happy that your body in no longer suffering, and that you are pain free and whole, but we will long to see you again in heaven one day. No doubt you and my grandma Nadine are worshipping at the feet of God together. Thank you for your Love that I always understood and heard so loud and clear. We love you, and miss you dearly.

We hold on to these photos even tighter today! 

Abuela and I at my wedding, 2006

Abuela y Pablito 

Abuela Ica and Bella meet for the first time in Argentina, 2008

Cooking for us in her kitchen that her husband built for her.

Meeting the twins for the first time, U.S. 2009

Holding Gabi

So proud of her nietas!

Abuelitas 80th birthday celebration, September 2013. 

Pablo and Gus spending precious moments with abuelita.  Their final visit with her just last month.

Healing in Layers

I am in the tail end of my healing process after my foot ligament repair. I am on week 5 of my 6 week cast and no walking ordeal. It has been a process of patience and healing slowly. This time has left me emotional and reflective on many topics. One of them, healing. The healing processes is interesting, and very layered. And it takes a lot time. Something I have heard for years. Soon after my grandmother died people told me that time will make it better and I heard the same after a breakup with a boyfriend, and it felt like I would never get over it. They would say that time can heal all wounds. Though I know that God can heal, and heal quickly, he also allows us to grieve and walk through the healing process in our own time. We cannot go from hurt to quick healing because there are so many things we learn and need to address along the way. But Jesus helps us through each step. I wish I could be walking right now, but my ligament needs time to heal before it can be used again.

This physical healing has been many steps and layers. First was the post-op recovery, just trying to get over the meds and trauma that any surgery comes with. The wound is still bleeding and swollen. And much like any emotional trauma in life, this is the hardest stage. I can think of so many times in my life, or examples in others' lives that this can be related to. A death, a breakup, divorce, or betrayel. The initial shock after these experiences are hard and often leave us sick, crying, and laid up in bed for a while. 

Then comes the baby steps to recovery. I got my cast on the week after surgery, and was still in so much pain. Any movement or tug was so painful. When the heart has been wounded, it too is sensitive and raw. Any memory or word can inflict pain and tears so easily. So many freedoms we once knew are now lost. For me physically it's walking and getting around on my own. Similarly, after a death or break up we can't hug the person we love so much. We lose the freedom to see them, to talk to them, or tell them how much they mean to us. 

I am now getting more comfortable. It's a "proceed with caution" stage. I still have my limitations, but I feel more comfortable to leave the house more often and move around on my scooter and crutches. Like the heart, it's a tender balance between building strength, but still knowing that you aren't fully healed. Pushing it too much would only lead to more pain and discomfort. 

Next week I will finally be free of my cast, but I will recieve a walking boot in its place. Another layer to my healing. Physical therapy will then begin and the healing process will continue. Only time can make my injury better. And only time can help heal the heart.

Then there will be a scar. I will have a mark on the foot forever, reminding me of the pain and healing process I had to endure in order to get healthy. Our hearts have scars. And the twinges of pain may never be fully gone. I learned this last night.  Ten years after my grandma Nadine's death I learned that the twinge of pain is still there. Of course I miss her daily, but I felt the pain of her loss again last night. My grandfather has sold their house, the house he designed built for his beloved wife Nadine. This was the last place she called home. It was the place where we spent many holidays, family dinners, and visits with her. So saying goodbye to her home was difficult. And some pain crept back in, and the healing process after her death continues, even after all these years. But it was a good time with family, and her closest friends as we shared memories of my grandmother. My Gabriella Nadine even begged for a walk down the coldesac in her neighborhood. Which I learned last night was one of grandmas favorite activities as she got sicker from cancer. So sweet and special that my Gabi, grandmas namesake, wanted to do that activity on our last visit there. Just like grandmas last days there.

 

Gods timing is perfect. He knows how to heal and when to heal. His timing, and slow healing in our lives is no mistake. And there is so much hope in the healing process. Hope to one day walk. Hope to be a better more compassionate person after we heal. So then we can one day help others as they go down the road to healing also. 

I painted this picture so I could visualize the layers of healing. There are bumpy textures, layers with scales and cracks, barbed wire and locks. The wounded heart heals in layers and time. Something I wish happened quickly, but can sometimes take months, or years. 

Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me. (Psalm 30:2 NIV)