365 Days of Change

Today is the 365th day of 2013 and then the ticker will start over again for 2013. The amount of change that can take place in a year is amazing. I think about the difference from when my kids were newborns, to their first birthday. A year can make a big difference. Or the amount of growth in my mairrage since last January. It's just amazing. Relationships change. One day someone you care so much about is in your life, then seemingly the next day they are gone. And the same can be said about someone popping into your life that wasn't there last year and now you can't imagine life without them. 

365 days can sometime feel like a short span of time. I often look back and ask, where did the year go? Or I think, "I haven't done much this last year, not much has changed." But when I really think about it, I can see the things that have changed and grown. Our family has changed...people have died, friendships have faded, and I've learned a lot more about life. I'm thankful what God has done! 

I'm leaving a lot of sorrows and tears behind in 2013. But also taking some really happy memories with me. Let go of the bad, hold on to the good. 

Happy New Year! 2014!

The Language of Love

Soon after I started dating my husband, his grandma came to visit from Argentina. Abuela America, or abuela Ica as we call her, embraced me from the moment I saw her. With hugs and kisses, and a slew of Spanish that I couldn't understand. Her rolling R's and thick Italian sounding Spanish was mixed with smiles and giggles as she touched my hair and held my hand. Her love was given to me from the moment I met her. She returned to the states a couple years later for our wedding. Again, she embraced me as her own grandchild and lovingly hugged and kissed me, and spoke endless Spanish to me that I couldn't understand! But there was one thing I could understand, this woman loved Jesus. I watched her pray, and worship in church.  Her eyes often filled with tears as she went to the Father in fervent prayer. His glory and love was real and very important to her.

On my wedding day she prayed for my womb. She layed her hand on my belly and the rapid Spanish came out of her lips. She prayed for babies, more importantly she prayed for babies that would love Jesus. She loved her children, grand children, and great-grand children so very much. Even before she met my children she adored them. She prayed for their salvation before they were even conceived.

Her life and love was a true testament to what Gods love is all about. We never had a conversation in the same language. We had the most perfect relationship in my mind. We didn't know about each other's flaws, or personality quirks. We just simply had love for each other. We only knew each other through Gods love. The language that surpasses all understanding. The Love that binds hearts and connects people. The Love that forgives, saves, and conquers death.

 She passed today to dwell in the presence of the Almighty and to recieve her complete healing. 

Abuela Ica, 

Thank you for always showing me Gods love. I may never have fully understood your words, but I understood the language of Heaven that spoke so loudly in your life. Jesus was the most important person in your life. Therefore you had endless love to give everyone around you. I see your love and passion in my daughters and I will never let them forget the legacy you gave them. Although you leave this world with a humble little home, second hand clothes in your closet, and a some pesos in the bank, you have left us with the greatest inheritance of all. Something more valuable than money and jewels. The Love of Jesus Christ. I am honored to be a part of your legacy and promise to never let it go. I am honored to be a part of your family.

We are happy that your body in no longer suffering, and that you are pain free and whole, but we will long to see you again in heaven one day. No doubt you and my grandma Nadine are worshipping at the feet of God together. Thank you for your Love that I always understood and heard so loud and clear. We love you, and miss you dearly.

We hold on to these photos even tighter today! 

Abuela and I at my wedding, 2006

Abuela y Pablito 

Abuela Ica and Bella meet for the first time in Argentina, 2008

Cooking for us in her kitchen that her husband built for her.

Meeting the twins for the first time, U.S. 2009

Holding Gabi

So proud of her nietas!

Abuelitas 80th birthday celebration, September 2013. 

Pablo and Gus spending precious moments with abuelita.  Their final visit with her just last month.

Healing in Layers

I am in the tail end of my healing process after my foot ligament repair. I am on week 5 of my 6 week cast and no walking ordeal. It has been a process of patience and healing slowly. This time has left me emotional and reflective on many topics. One of them, healing. The healing processes is interesting, and very layered. And it takes a lot time. Something I have heard for years. Soon after my grandmother died people told me that time will make it better and I heard the same after a breakup with a boyfriend, and it felt like I would never get over it. They would say that time can heal all wounds. Though I know that God can heal, and heal quickly, he also allows us to grieve and walk through the healing process in our own time. We cannot go from hurt to quick healing because there are so many things we learn and need to address along the way. But Jesus helps us through each step. I wish I could be walking right now, but my ligament needs time to heal before it can be used again.

This physical healing has been many steps and layers. First was the post-op recovery, just trying to get over the meds and trauma that any surgery comes with. The wound is still bleeding and swollen. And much like any emotional trauma in life, this is the hardest stage. I can think of so many times in my life, or examples in others' lives that this can be related to. A death, a breakup, divorce, or betrayel. The initial shock after these experiences are hard and often leave us sick, crying, and laid up in bed for a while. 

Then comes the baby steps to recovery. I got my cast on the week after surgery, and was still in so much pain. Any movement or tug was so painful. When the heart has been wounded, it too is sensitive and raw. Any memory or word can inflict pain and tears so easily. So many freedoms we once knew are now lost. For me physically it's walking and getting around on my own. Similarly, after a death or break up we can't hug the person we love so much. We lose the freedom to see them, to talk to them, or tell them how much they mean to us. 

I am now getting more comfortable. It's a "proceed with caution" stage. I still have my limitations, but I feel more comfortable to leave the house more often and move around on my scooter and crutches. Like the heart, it's a tender balance between building strength, but still knowing that you aren't fully healed. Pushing it too much would only lead to more pain and discomfort. 

Next week I will finally be free of my cast, but I will recieve a walking boot in its place. Another layer to my healing. Physical therapy will then begin and the healing process will continue. Only time can make my injury better. And only time can help heal the heart.

Then there will be a scar. I will have a mark on the foot forever, reminding me of the pain and healing process I had to endure in order to get healthy. Our hearts have scars. And the twinges of pain may never be fully gone. I learned this last night.  Ten years after my grandma Nadine's death I learned that the twinge of pain is still there. Of course I miss her daily, but I felt the pain of her loss again last night. My grandfather has sold their house, the house he designed built for his beloved wife Nadine. This was the last place she called home. It was the place where we spent many holidays, family dinners, and visits with her. So saying goodbye to her home was difficult. And some pain crept back in, and the healing process after her death continues, even after all these years. But it was a good time with family, and her closest friends as we shared memories of my grandmother. My Gabriella Nadine even begged for a walk down the coldesac in her neighborhood. Which I learned last night was one of grandmas favorite activities as she got sicker from cancer. So sweet and special that my Gabi, grandmas namesake, wanted to do that activity on our last visit there. Just like grandmas last days there.

 

Gods timing is perfect. He knows how to heal and when to heal. His timing, and slow healing in our lives is no mistake. And there is so much hope in the healing process. Hope to one day walk. Hope to be a better more compassionate person after we heal. So then we can one day help others as they go down the road to healing also. 

I painted this picture so I could visualize the layers of healing. There are bumpy textures, layers with scales and cracks, barbed wire and locks. The wounded heart heals in layers and time. Something I wish happened quickly, but can sometimes take months, or years. 

Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me. (Psalm 30:2 NIV)

The Bored and the Restless

As I lay in bed this evening with my leg elevated, I can hear my family in the kitchen. More specifically the father of my children is saying loudly "Open your mouth! OPEN your mouth!", oh dear. I can't go hop up and investigate because my foot is throbbing. I over did it today and got behind on my Advil/Tylenol regimine, and now I am paying for it. 

I got surgery less than a week ago to repair a torn ligament in my foot. Well, actually the doctor said it was completely severed since my MRI last spring, he couldn't believe I had been walking around in all that pain for so long. This two and a half year injury was actually more bearable than the pain I am going through right now. Although I am in physical pain from my 8 inch insicion, I am in even more pain from not being unable to walk. Unable to help, to take care of my kids, to drive, to cook, clean, bake, shower! Ugh. I must say that I am thankful this is only a 6 week ordeal, rather than having a permant disability. My heart truly goes to those who have to adjust to a new way of life, forever.

So besides the physical pain, I'm trying to figure out why this is so hard. I should be enjoying this time that I am excused from all house chores and school drop off. But I can't help but scan my surroundings even as I write, and evaluate all the things that I want to get up to do. Hang up that shirt, dust my dresser, straighten my bed, vacuum the cookie crumbs off the floor... I cannot believe how hard this is. I postponed this surgery for two and a half years because I knew it would be difficult, but I really didn't know it would be this difficult.

And not just me, Why can't we all rest? Why is our society so "GO! GO! GO!" all the time. We are in a hurry to get our kids in preschool from the moment they can walk. We hate to wait in a 5 minute line at the grocery store. Plan numerous vacations. We have to have our kids in ballet, soccer, swimming, and school clubs. On the weekends we must visit the zoo, the park, and attend all birthday parties we are invited to. But we can't even take a whole Sunday to rest. Now I am given this 6 week ticket to lay and rest. But instead I am bored and restless. My mind is busier than ever thinking about all the time I am wasting. All the cake orders I have had to turn down, and the warm weather outside that is fleeting. 

In the meantime I pray that I can settle in and rest my mind. Focus on writing, drawing, and snuggling my girls. And more importanty spend time with the One person who is truly neglected in my busyness, God. My friend told me a quote she heard once, "All satan needs to do is keep a woman busy. And his work is done".  It's so true. The precious time with our families, and with God, is so easily lost with each errand, project, and activity.

It's a time to rest, and focus on myself, and on God. 

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” (Psalm 46:10 NIV)

Oh and the commotion from the kitchen? My Lili somehow got a small metal birdcage from my old dollhouse stuck...wait for it....in between her two front teeth! 

Dear Us

As we embark on our 7th year of marriage, I can't help but think of all that we have learned on this short (but seemingly long) journey. I was just looking at our engagement and wedding photos and noting our innocent and joyful faces...if only I could tell you what was ahead. If I could, this is what I would tell you....

Dear Us, 

    Marriage is a lot of work. A LOT. So enjoy the honeymoon stage because it doesn't last long. Times will get tough. You will want to bash each others heads in sometimes. And it might be over the trash. But you are not the only people who fight over a sack of garbage. It happens in households all over your neighborhood. So don't let people ever make you feel like they have got it all together in their marriage. Because every couple has their struggles. From socks left on the floor, to miscommunications. So know that this work you will have to do in your relationship is not uncommon. 

You will watch each others bodies change, and not always for the better, then you will wonder what you were really attracted to physically in each other in the first place. But more than likely these physical changes just mean you are happy, well fed, and madly in love. It might even mean your body changed because you had offspring. And these little babes will add to the work, to the frustrations, to the wanting to hit one another. You will be tired, lonely, and ignoring each other because the wee ones will take all your attention and energy. But this is momentary, so embrace each other again after the babies are not so small. 

You will have a love/hate relationship with each others families. It might be hard to love them as your own family sometimes, but this is normal. Just remember neither of you would be who you are if it wasn't for them. 

You will have moments when life without each other might seem easier, but don't let go. The times that seem unbearable will be the times you learn most about each other, and yourselves. You are young and still learning about how you love, and how you communicate best. So be patient. Figure out how to be understating and gracious towards one another. Because you will both screw up. You will say things you deeply regret. 

Forgive, forgive, forgive. 

You might wake up some mornings and think, who is this person? I don't even know you at all! Why did I marry you? 

Although it will be difficult and a lot of work. The love grows. You think you love each other a lot right now on your wedding day? Just wait, it gets richer and deeper as the trials and years pass. As you say "I do"  You might think that your love for one another is big now, but it will indeed expand. You will see each others worst, and love anyway. You will argue till you cant even remember why, but you will eventually kiss and make up. Your friendship will mean even more as the years pass. You will be all each other has some days and you will learn to never take one another for granted. 

After 7 years you will wonder how you made it and where the time has gone. And you will be filled with excitement when looking ahead for the next 7 years! 

God is beside you and guiding you through this journey. Look to Him first. 

Good luck us! 

July 16, 2006

Happy Moco Mommy's Day!

This Mothers Day comes with a little bit of an attitude. I have been huffing and puffing all week because my hubby is out of town this weekend. Most Mothers Days I try to take advantage and let Pablo take care of the girls, the cooking, and the housework. This year he is off on a much needed getaway for his friend who is getting married next week (a nicer way of saying a bachelor party! Haha). With young, single, and childless men planning a weekend away, this particular weekend was no big for them. But for me, it was a little more inconvenient. Not having Pablo here this morning makes Mothers Day just like any other day for me. Which includes an early morning, fetching breakfast, wiping butts, and all that comes with parenting.  

But this morning. I had an "ah ha" moment. This morning my little Gabi said, "I have the mocos, mommy." Picked her nose. Then said, "Here are my mocos, mommy". If you know what mocos are then you know that I was handed a nice little green slimy gift from the nose....right in my hand.  That was it. That's all it took for me to realize how much I love being a mom. How little I care about holding a booger, and how it's second nature to accept one when its handed to me. I'm blessed. So very lucky. Not everyone gets to experience the ups and downs of motherhood. I'm well aware of the fact that I'm blessed times three, with healthy beautiful girls. 

So, the attitude stops here. Mother's Day in itself is the gift. Being able to say Im a mom today is the gift. Although the flowers and cards are nice. The fact that I am a mother is special, even if I don't do anything special today. 

Happy Moco Mommy's Day! I hope you get a booger! It was the best gift ever.